my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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