if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize