so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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