So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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