Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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