my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
