i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
