pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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