If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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