Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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