I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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