his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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