girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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