oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
