the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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