the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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