I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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