we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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