YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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