Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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