i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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