Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize