She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
