my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
