On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
