he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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