3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I need moral support for this bender
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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