i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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