just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
