I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
