how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
