i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
