Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
