don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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