i jhust puked up my retainher.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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