i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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