I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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