After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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