So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
