Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
