based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
