Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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