I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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