shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
