everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
