Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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