$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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