someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
And then he peed in my hair
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