I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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