youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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