You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im six kinds of drunk right now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
