Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize