You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
