Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
