Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
