Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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