I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
