Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
