I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
