that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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