I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
