Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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