apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
